I am completely dependent on you

Dear Beatrice,

I'll try to summarize.

About 4 years ago I met a boy whom I liked very much. We got together very quickly. At the time, that's what I wished for. But when it "got serious" - that is, when he said the first "I love you" after a few weeks and I realized that he actually meant business, I ended everything. Suddenly everything was gone. The tingling in the stomach, the longing for him when he wasn't there, the looking forward to the next meeting.

Half a year later he met someone else. From then on I tried to win him back. The feelings were there again, I absolutely loved him. We met many times, exchanged tenderness, did a lot together! For more than 2 years until I was actually able to win him over again last summer and he got involved in another attempt at a relationship.

My feelings didn't change. Even so, he had changed a lot and ended the relationship at the end of the year. It was ok. We still got along well afterwards. Til today. He's really just a friend (and now with my best friend).

Now to the real problem: 3 weeks ago I met an old friend again whom I haven't seen for a long time. We talked, went out to dinner, went to the fireworks display, at a party, kissed each other and texted a lot. I felt very comfortable with him until I said three words this weekend. He said "I love you" and for me the switch flipped like it did 4 years ago. We are together now! As I said, the last few weeks have been really nice and I could well imagine getting together with him, falling in love and everything that goes with it. Until the time came. Am I never satisfied? When I get what I want, then suddenly I want the opposite, get scared, keep my distance and thereby hurt the person concerned. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

From one day to the next he showered me with "I love you and I miss you" slogans. I CANNOT reply that. (Love is something special and the 3 words lose their meaning if you use them too often). On the other hand, I don't want to hurt him if I tell him to please be a little more careful with it.

My girlfriend says if I'm not sure I should stop before it's too late. But I'm afraid that I will regret it as much as I did then! Why do I close myself off as soon as things get serious?

Maybe you have some advice on how I can behave or how I can find out what's wrong with me!

I'm looking forward to your answer!

Lea (21)


Dear Lea,

you say:

"From one day to the next he showered me with" I love you and I miss you "-Sayings. I CANNOT reply that. (Love is something special and the 3 words lose their meaning if you use them too often). "

Yes, exactly - and if you use it too FAST. I ask myself right away: Does he really mean ME - or his idealized version of me, to which my real person may not correspond at all? And then I rely on his "love" while he may find that his bubble does not exist and then crumble.

So: yes, a healthy skepticism about too early and too frequent expressions of love is appropriate!

However, I have the feeling that there is also a certain fear of close ties / closeness on your side. Why else should you believe that you love a man the most when he is not there (anymore)?

"On the other hand, I don't want to hurt him if I tell him to please be a little more careful with it."

Would you rather split up? Doesn't that hurt him a lot more? Or is that an excuse from you because you are secretly afraid of the hell to really get involved with a man and with love?

When a man is in love, he may say "I love you" too quickly in exuberance. So what? Then you just tell him, "Listen, honey, I'm honored, but I'm moving too fast and I'd rather we get to know each other a lot better before we say such weighty things."

And then you just get to know him better. You can determine the speed. You can always shout "stop" if it gets too tight - the main thing is that you do it lovingly.

As simple as that.

Oh, and to get closer to your fear of commitment, you can read my book "Mister prospectless", for example. The largest chapter in it describes a man with such fears, but that's also true for women. And you will also find out the psychological background.

You have a good chance of not becoming a "Miss Hopeless" if you look through it and take countermeasures.

Best regards

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Beatrice Poschenrieder